Apple-gees for my absence but I suddenly had an un-controllable urge to straighten all the pictures that are hung around the house. It took 9 days, 5 hours and 34 minutes but I’ve done it. (Please don’t ask why the pictures are hung around the house and not inside. It’s a moot point since I attempted to re-paper my ma and pa’s living room, instead of re-aligning the picture to the existing paper).
“The collective” as I have lovingly called you, have been gracious enough to contribute some of their own quirks and freakiness. So I felt it only appropriate that I return in kind, a little more about my own uniqueness.
Never Q behind me
The ordering I mentioned in my previous entry, actually extends further than I comprehended. Whilst stood in a(nother) Q recently I wished to procure something beyond the abilities of my well stacked coinage. I instead reached around to my back pocket and withdrew my wedge of notes that nests therein. As I brought them round to my chest to finger through them like a pimp checking his latest tricks earnings I became aware of the fact that I do, and always have, ordered my notes.
After visiting an ATM or hole in the wall, I will often fold my money over on itself, at an approximate point which is always exactly in the middle of the note. On the outside will usually sit the reliable and well fingered face of Liz (the 2nd) on a £5 note. Then in ascending order under this one will be the orange and browns of a £10 note, securely backed up by the muscle in the sterling family, the £20 (or Grant as I like to call him). I rarely carry £50 notes, because half of them probably aren’t real and they look unsightly in amongst the other notes due to their ridiculous size.
It gets worse though…
(Nervous laughter)
it doesn’t end there. After looking at the pile of well ordered cash in my grubby mitts, I almost whimpered as it dawned on me that they were all facing the same way up. It was un-intentional and subconscious, which is wobbly worse. Somewhere, a psychologist is hurriedly making notes in preparation for my ensuing visit. There, within my hands, from the top side of every note smiled the face of Liz (the 2nd). My mouth began to get dry as I realised the extent of my illness. At the same time my fingers began to become clammy, which was handy, as I was then able to unfold the corners of the notes so they were all of the same uniformed crisp appearance.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
In hind sight it was even more of a mistake to have become aware of all this in a shop that had crazy paving outside. For 40 minutes I hopped back and forth attempting to avoid the cracks still clutching my notes not wishing to risk them becoming creased should I return them to the pocket from whence they came. Suffice to say I won’t be returning to that shop again (on the manager's insistence)
Par examplar
A calming presence within my life.
Some of my best work.
To quote Thom Yorke - "Everything in it's right place."
2 comments:
When I was about 8 I was given the poems by AA Milne and drove my parents mad with this one, cos I wouldn't step on the cracks:
Whenever I walk in a London street,
I'm ever so careful to watch my feet;
And I keep in the squares,
And the masses of bears,
Who wait at the corners all ready to eat
The sillies who tread on the lines of the street
Go back to their lairs,
And I say to them, "Bears,
Just look how I'm walking in all the squares!"
Unforunately that was one of mu headlines "Has-been child hood star in shocking nut/ATM entanglement"
I never receive the money, my Mother feels it best to place it in my Post Office account, until I am a growed up.
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